Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Dealing With Strong Emotions In Relationships PART 2

About 1 year ago I met a girl. At the start of this relationship I promised myself that I wanted to have difficult conversations with her and essentially to be vulnerable and to express myself emotionally. Up until this point in time I hadn’t really managed to achieve this mean feat in relationships. In other areas of my life, this was a piece of cake. For example, if I needed to have a difficult conversation with someone at work I just went up to them and said what was on my mind but romantically I found that there was some sort of block there. Essentially I had problems with vulnerability and being emotionally open. This journey actually led me to a yearlong personal development course in psychodrama, which was amazing and helped to bed down the process. But I also needed practice in my new romantic relationship as well.

From the get go, I didn’t want to hold back in my relationship with my new Girlfriend. I had to challenge the assumption that one only has difficult conversations with someone after you have been with them for 6 or 12 months. I was amazed at how much psychodrama helped this process and how different I was as a result. It also helped that she was a no-bullshit type of independent women who was extremely open herself. What also helped us out in this process was the decision to be friends prior to getting into a relationship. I strongly believe that getting to know someone in the context of a series of dates with sex as the reward, cultivates a very superficial interaction.

When I reflect on our 3 or 4 serious conversations and the at times overwhelming emotion, I realised that it is within all of us and not something that needs to be learnt. What is required is the unlearning of some behavioural patterns that stop this process from occurring. Some of you may be thinking, “what does it feel like?” It is like being completely naked and not giving a damm and being completely confident within your own skin. Ultimately the experience is beyond words.

Some people say that humans are not meant to be monogamous. With all the choice and distraction in modern day city life I can understand where these people are coming from. But I do believe that there is a way to have a long lasting monogamous relationship. Through embarking on this process. It is the best drug in the world. And the highest of highs can occur through having a normal, everyday relationship and not constantly looking for your next adventure.

A lot of generation Y’s are not happy with their lives and are looking to challenge traditional norms towards work and relationships. And good luck to them I say. Ultimately, though having this type of relationship – nothing else compares. Not even having 100 of the most gorgeous supermodels at your bed everynight.

As human being we have all sorts of needs. We have physical needs, sexual needs but lets not forget out emotional needs. Some people choose to go on self-development courses to get their emotional needs met. By all means, go ahead and do this. But also try and get your emotional needs meet in your current relationship…it is a hell of a lot cheaper.

For Relationship counselling in Brisbane click here or Visit the website or follow this link. http://markkordubapsychologist.com/couples-counselling-brisbane/
To learn more about What is Marriage Guidance follow this link: http://survivingheartbreakbrisbane.blogspot.com.au/2016/01/what-is-marriage-guidance.html

Dealing With Strong Emotions In Relationships PART 1

Relationships are one aspect of life that we generally experience strong emotions. In most areas of our life we are able to stay rational and stay in our intellectual mind for the most part. For example, at work or when interacting with our friends. But this is a good thing. Romantic relationships allow for our emotional needs to be met. And if they are not being met then maybe you should think about leaving your relationship and doing something different or doing someone different.

For a long time in my romantic relationships, I felt that they had to be rational and that I wasn’t able to me emotional. In affect, I felt that I wasn’t able to be me! I thought that I had to be this perfect boyfriend who had everything completely under his control. The problem was that when strong emotions came (e.g., anger or jealousy) I felt that I wasn’t able to express them. As a result the relationships didn’t last very long and run their course quite quickly.

This is my advice to my male clients…”that it is ok to be vulnerable in a romantic relationship.” Women crave it. Once you as a male have an emotional connection with your partner, it will reduce the chances of them leaving you. Why do you think women stay in abusive relationships? Because they have an emotional connection with their partner. This is a major problem in modern day society, especially for Gen Y’s in their 20s. They have soo much choice for mates that they leave romantic relationships at the drop of a hat.

Now for most people, this maturing process where they feel comfortable expressing themselves and having real relationships takes time. For most people this doesn’t happen until way into your 20s, even 30s. Dating that gorgeous early 20-year might look physically appealing but chances are that they don’t know how to be with you in a romantic relationship. Whereas the battle hardened older person may be able to be a little bit more real with you.

In practical terms, strong emotions usually come up through arguments, confrontation and difficult conversations within a relationship. Let’s be honest, most people are scared out of their wits end at the prospect of having a difficult conversation with their partner. Why? Because it means that they will have to be emotionally vulnerable and will have to engage in conflict. Both of which aren’t particularly appealing to most people in relationships.

Read part two